An afternoon with Tommy

Among the things I do with my dog besides taking him to the beach, prostate loving on him and irritating him in equal amounts, and posing him for a picture with a knife in his mouth, is recording his barking and howling.

So.

I downloaded a program called PaulStretch that can take audio and stretch or shorten it without losing sound quality, among other things. Then, I recorded Tommy barking and howling, and manipulated what I got.

Enjoy.

This is a normal bark:

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This is the same bark at 20x the length:

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Here’s a longer bark at normal speed:

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Here’s the same bark, but 50x its normal speed; almost a minute long (and force yourself to listen to the whole thing, because it is creeeeeepy):

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Okay, this one’s a howl (how I got him to do that is my secret):

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The same howl at 5x (it’s like a horror movie sound effect):

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And my personal favorites, these are the same howls at regular speed,

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then at 25x PLUS! I autotuned it to sound like several dogs at once (you might pay money to listen to that during a shiatsu massage):

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posted by James on May.25, 2011, under colossal waste of time, kids today


Island of the Dolls. Not awesome.

Here’s some nightmare fuel.The Eyes!

Someone. Took my idea. For the creepiest tourist attraction ever. I knew I should’ve mailed that shit to myself.

It’s in Mexico. The genius of that is Americans picture beaches, pharmacy tequila shots and Sammy Hagar. So when you tell them there’s an “Island of the Dolls” they totally have to see. Frat boys and girls gone wild then hustle to see blow-up sex toys and American Girls, only to stand in sobering horror at what they actually find.

There are no tangerine trees or marmalade skies. “La Isla de la Munecas” is actually closer to a graveyard inspired by Gaspar Noé. Don Julian Santana and his family hermitized (hermi-tated?) themselves there mid-20th century after renouncing society. Don Julian then spent the next 50 years of his life mutilating and hanging children’s dolls.

Located on a small island in the canals of Xochimilco. This area is all that remains of what was once a giant lake (Texcoco) where Mexico City is today.

This is where child molesters go when they die; they come back as the destroyed playthings of the people they once wronged. Sort of an ironic Greek idea of Hell where the punishment fits the crime. Not just fire for everyone. (Oooooo. An insight into my personality…)

But I digress.

Speculation suggests these dolls were offerings of sorts to the spirit of a girl who allegedly drowned in the canal surrounding the place. Don Julian claimed to be tormented by this girl’s ghost. I’m sure she would’ve loved the dolls.

In double secret irony, Don Julian was found dead one day, drowned in the very same canal, in one final act of thanatopsis. The shrine lives on and remains an unusually popular tourist attraction, as far as dead baby sites go, especially among the early to middle-aged.

So, go. Visit. And take lots of pictures for Facebook. It’s the only shrine to you that will automatically live on after your death.

Bye. Thanks for...stopping by...

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posted by James on Jan.05, 2011, under kids today, you can't turn away


The Two-Legged Pig and the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

Pork is really every carnivore’s favorite food lately. There’s bacon in/on everything, prostate and it quite consistently makes everything more delicious. But what can you use it for outside of food? Think outside the skillet.

Two-Legged Pig

Not as inspiring as Faith the two-legged dog.

Now, ampoule everybody’s seen the dog with two legs who was on Oprah and wears a backpack. Yawn. And it’s name is Faith, for god’s sake. That’s like a grief councilor named Joy. Or a urologist named Wankem. …Um, anyway.

Zhu Jianqiang, which translates as “strong-willed pig”, was born without her hind legs, but managed to survive, and is now a local celebrity. I’m guessing that rural-born Chinese pigs are rarely given names as they’re quickly slaughtered and eaten. However, Wang Xihai, Zhu’s owner, probably decided to keep her as-is to try and make some money like the owners of Mike the headless chicken. I’m hoping it was just out of the kindness of his heart, though. He did actually teach her the front-leg-walk himself, and it took a month before she could do it. And now she weighs 50kg (110lbs) but can still do it effortlessly. Wang Xihai says he believes all life should be given a chance. I still sorta think he saw a runty, unbreedable pig and tried to come up with another use for it. Pigs are pretty smart, though. It was all, “well, it’s either learn to walk on my front legs, or learn to be bacon.”

He also says his house is filled with tourists everyday. And, he CLAIMS he’d never sell her, no matter the price. Look at that picture, though. Maybe a pair of pants and some chapstick. Just sayin’.

Bacon Bust of Kevin Bacon

An inevitable and inedible Kevin Bacon made from real bacon.

Now, I decided to post this next item along with the pig above, just so you’d have an idea of what you can do with a physically disabled pig once it’s dead. An epic Kevin Bacon bust made of real bacon.

There’s currently a REALLY REAL EBAY AUCTION, here, where you can buy the giant bacon sculpture and have the profits donated to a cancer charity. REALLY!

But, you can’t eat it! WTF! It’s covered in lacquer, I guess so the museum, and your house, don’t become the world’s largest ant and fly habitat. And, I think it only looks like Kevin Bacon if he were the model for a statue on Easter Island. Otherwise, it’s just an 18 inch waste of hundreds of pounds of skillet-fried goodness. If I can’t sop up the grease with my toast, there’s no point.

It was only a matter of time, really. Kevin Bacon made of bacon? Everyone loves bacon right now, like I just said, so why not a delicious pun.

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posted by James on Oct.01, 2010, under colossal waste of time, kids today, you can't turn away


Hottest Curry Ever, Apparently

the garnish is funny to me.

The Brick Lane Curry House in New York City claims to have the hottest curry on the planet, and and they dare people to eat it. The puns have already started to wear thin, buy viagra and none of them has been written yet.

They call it, generic the Phaal Curry Challenge. The chef, wearing a gas mask for realz, not for show, cooks curry with ten different devastating spices, one of which claims to be 60 times hotter than a jalapeño pepper. It’s served to willing customers, who are urged to try it first, with two giant glasses of milk and two huge mango lassis–a hot curry’s known arch nemeses. It’s 16oz of incendiary . . . nevermind.

Only about 10% of the people who try it are able to eat the whole thing. But, if you’re one of the lucky ones, you get a free beer (yay…), your picture on the website, and a certificate saying you survived the Phaal Curry Challenge. If that’s not incentive enough, I don’t know what is. At least you’re in the P’hall of Fame. Hey-O! (okay, so I couldn’t resist).

The restaurant owner claims one customer’s nose actually started bleeding during their attempt. And they probably drove home farting blood.

Hurray for meals that cause injury!

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posted by James on Sep.22, 2010, under colossal waste of time, kids today, you can't turn away


Millennium Falcon Guitar Rocks Your Space Off

Artist Builds Working Millennium Falcon Electric Guitar from Vintage Star Wars Toy

Only drawback is flawed hyper drive.

The Millennium Falcon guitar. It was inevitable. I mean, recipe look at the size of that vintage toy. Who got that for Christmas? Maybe Donald Trump’s kids get GIGANTIC models of movie toys for special occasions. Maybe Ted Turner’s kids. But seriously. I mean, nurse look at that thing! And now, seek this guy ruined it by making into a guitar. RUINED! It is SO not in mint condition anymore. It has been significantly DEvalued.

Artist Travis S. has been building custom guitars with his father since he was in high school. Plus, he’s also an avid fan of the Star Wars series (hopefully just IV – VI). So, it was only natural for him to combine his two passions at some point. Because the guitar is electric, making the body out of a toy does not affect the sound. But he did have to add a maple support beam down the back of the toy so it could withstand the tension of the guitar’s strings. He’s also fitted it with blue LEDs supported by their own batteries.

I sort of hope this guitar snaps at the first strum. A guitar’s bass string pulls about 20 lbs. “If I leeeeeeave here tomorr-SNAP!” What a bastardization this is. Shameful. It would be okay if maybe this artist organized a whole band of Star Wars-looking dudes, and one guy plays a Tie-Fighter, and one guy an X-Wing, and one guy has like a gold bass made to look like those stupid Naboo ships from Episode I. The guy on the drums would have that upside-down droid who’s being branded in Jaba’s palace. Then a dude dressed like Chewbacca could be their roadie, sent to fix the hyper drive when it fails on stage.

We Americans can’t have nice things. It’s only a matter of time before someone disgraces Lord of the Rings by making bridal gowns to like clothes from Rivendell . (DOH!) Or Terminator red LED bluetooth headsets. Or Leaving Las Vegas brand vodka. The Passion of the Christ thorn hats. Little Miss Sunshine stripper outfits for girls 10 and under. Silence of the Lambs bacon.

I could go on.

Unless you’re Billy Gibbons, respect epic legends; even if they are just movies that got lucky. Or don’t. Just know you’ll be mocked on the Internet either way.

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posted by James on Jul.21, 2010, under actual gadget, colossal waste of time, kids today


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