Archive for January, 2010

I’m a big fan of people hurting themselves. Especially stupid people. And the best way for a stupid person to hurt themselves is to faceplant. It’s almost like proof of Darwinian evolution. Dumbasses simply hurt (and kill) themselves more often than smart people.

I’ve compiled a collection of videos that should bring a smile to the lips of anyone in favor of thinning the herd.

Enjoy.

10. The Stunt Faceplant

Excluding skateboards, this faceplant counts whenever anyone is on bicycles, skis, snowboards, rollerblades–anything man wasn’t meant to call a ‘vehicle.’ (Skateboards are different.) AND, building your own ramp out of mud isn’t necessarily a bad idea, but maybe build it closer to the lake.

9. The Martial Arts Expert Faceplant

Almost like the weightlifting faceplant, the martial arts faceplant always makes one wonder, “why were you filming yourself?”

8. The Drunken Faceplant

Look out for the dog!…Look out for the Coronado Stone!…Look out for the disk golf net!…Oh, and if you’re gonna drink, maybe don’t ride your bike.

7. The Party Trickster Faceplant

This actually combines two of my favorite faceplant genres: trampolines and the party trickster. Ever been at a party and had someone call for quiet while they performed a trick that turned into an injury (or at the very least turned out to not be as cool as all the hype suggested)? I have. But it’s never turned into a faceplant. That usually happens on the trampoline all by itself.

6. The Trampoline Faceplant

Not exactly a faceplant, but just close enough. Some people only have the discipline to practice things that will never get them anywhere in real life.

5. The Pool Faceplant

If only there were more drowning deaths from faceplants…caught on film. (He actually didn’t die, but keep giving your teens camcorders.)

4. The Fat-plant

Like the little Asian man in “The Hangover” says, some things are just funnier when people are fat.

3. The Baby Faceplant

Nothing’s cuter than underdeveloped motor skills. Until somebody faceplants.

2. The Skateboard Faceplant

Whenever I see kids skateboarding, I try to see if they’re filming themselves. Because if they are, someone is definitely going to faceplant. What did this kid think was supposed to happen? And does he have a rubber spine?

1. The Karmic Faceplant

Although rarely seen in the wild, this beautiful creature will sometimes appear when one least expects it, but at exactly the right time.

$0.25 each seems high

It all started with Tequila

In 1982, a candy company in California called HOTLIX produced a Tequila-flavored lolli-pop with a real worm inside. Larry Peterman is the brains behind these ‘hot licks,’ and even though he’s 70 now, the candy ideas are still plaguing him. (get it? plague?)

I think ol’ Larry may be getting a little bit senile. According to the company’s website, the chocolate covered scorpions are totally safe to eat once the scorpions are dead. When they die, the poison deactivates (puh-shaw), but they cut off the stingers “just in case.” That’s good too because there’s nothing worse than when I’m eating a dead scorpion and I get that stinger caught in the back of my throat. I start coughing and drinking my Sprite, but everyone else in the movie theater wishes I would shut up or excuse myself to the restroom.

You should see the other stuff this company makes. Go on. I’ll wait. There’s jalapeño flavored candy. JALA-FREAKIN-PEÑO! That’s not candy to me. When I was a kid, candy was a treat that tasted better than anything you had to eat all day, maybe all month. I don’t recall ever being so hungry that I payed to eat an apple covered in worms. That sounds like third-world-country cuisine right there. When you get tired of eating dirt. Someone gives me a jalapeño candy for Halloween? Their house gets egged.

images property of Barcroft Media, via telegraph.co.uk

What I think is most interesting to note in the video above, is that almost no one seems to care. Someone gets on their phone, all, “Yeah, I’m on the 6 Train. Oh, nothing much. There’s a dude cuddling a chicken. Let’s do Chinese for dinner tonight.” Because knowing Chinatown’s the only place in New York where you could get a live chicken. It’s not like Chick-fil-A gets live chickens shipped to them in coops; the last one always running around at the back of the truck…

And I love how at about 1:00 there’s a guy who runs into the car as the doors are closing and almost steps on the dude’s head. You know he picked the wrong car then. Seeing a dude molest a live chicken on your commute is sort of a wrap on the day. You need to go home and call your mom.

Get a coop, you too.