kids today

I ❤ Asian Television

by James on Apr.07, 2010, under kids today, who cares

patient 0,40,0″>

If you wait until this kid gets to the singing part, around 1:00, and stick with him until he really gets into it, 2:00, you’ll feel just like you were back in the 9th grade making out with Bethany Wilson in the dark at Judy Haynes’ birthday party.

I wish there was some sort of blind listening contest you could do with this clip. Let someone tell you it’s Whitney Houston’s daughter singing, or something. You would totally believe it until you saw the Thai Jackie Gleason in the tuxedo.

Also note: he clearly says “Whitney Houston, ‘I will always love you,’” which we all know is true, but the title card says “Dolly Parton.” We all look alike to them, too. I knew it. They can’t even tell black folk from white folk.

Comments Off more...

Six Seasons and they’re all still LOST?

by James on Apr.02, 2010, under colossal waste of time, kids today, who cares

capsule 0, pilule 40,0″>

I’m sure I’ll eventually hear about what happened at the end of LOST, since LOST fans NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT LOST. But come on: sometimes the show is funny. And you know it.

This is a Sawyer “Son of a bitch” montage. I don’t know if these clips are in chronological order, but I don’t care THAT much. I just hope he keeps saying it for the rest of the series. It makes him look tough.

Like a cowboy.

Comments Off more...

American Porisu Ruv Eat Rong Time. They so Fat!

by James on Mar.22, 2010, under kids today

click for full size

Several things to note about this picture. 1.) The Japanese in red under the title is simply the title spelled phonetically: “A-me-ri-ka-n Po-ri-su.” 2.) The setting seems to be a fast food joint, drugstore yet many actual fast food restaurants are represented. Look closely: there’s mostly McDonald’s, sovaldi but also Carl’s Jr. an A&W Root Beer, and a freaking taco for Shinto’s sake. 3.) What cop puts their nightstick ON the pile of french fries while they eat? And finally: 4.) How could this be a serial magazine? “Ret’s have article and article every month-u about fat and stupid Amerikan porisu. They so fat!” It can’t be done.

And, why am I writing so racistly? Simply because the magazine is obviously racist. I’ll be in Tokyo next month. If you’re there and you have a complaint, find me and I’ll straighten you out.

With my fists, in case that wasn’t clear.

Comments Off more...

Ever played TWISTER? Here’s why.

by James on Mar.08, 2010, under kids today

For my birthday once, advice I thought it would be funny to play Twister all night. And it was. But not limited to the reasons I initially thought.

Of course it was fun to play an old school board game with a bunch of post-college aged adults, troche but it was also fun for all of the reasons illustrated in this video, and everyone knows it.

When do you get to pelvic thrust your best friends with impunity? Never, except when you’re really drunk and/or playing Truth or Dare. And those things are rare. Twister is an ever-ready way to break it off with a seemingly innocent motive.

Everyone was like, “Hey, you know, it’s his birthday and this is what he wanted to do.”

If only that worked for like skinny dipping or something.

Anyway, until then, thank you Twister and your making of awkward experiences a teensy bit less awkward.


Comments Off more...

Start next nightmare in 3, 2…

by James on Mar.05, 2010, under kids today, you can't turn away

It’s hard to believe that pageants like these still exist, unhealthy but apparently they do. And, coincidentally, I’ve long held a theory that any horror movie can be made twice as scary simply by adding a young child to the cast, or even just to the preview.

Get this girl’s headshots ready. There’s a summer thriller with her name on it.

Now, again, I don’t speak Portuguese at all, but here’s what I imagine the judge is saying just before this tiny monster begins to perform her Lady Gaga abomination: “Are you ready to devour the souls of the wicked? Yeah? What’s your costume made of? The bones of fornicators? The sinew of thieves? Great! My chair’s made of human skeletons. Well, break a leg!”

Then she does in sort of a Milton’s Paradise Lost kind of way.

Childrens’ pageants always make me think of that Mr. Show sketch about the pre-natal pageant; where they refer to the four-year-old as the “old baby,” and they talk to the in utero cosmetologist who gives the fetus makeup and plastic surgery. Classic.

This happens to be real, though. Start the apocalypse. We should all be ready by now.

Damn.


Comments Off more...

-->