you can’t turn away

Island of the Dolls. Not awesome.

by James on Jan.05, 2011, under kids today, you can't turn away

Here’s some nightmare fuel.The Eyes!

Someone. Took my idea. For the creepiest tourist attraction ever. I knew I should’ve mailed that shit to myself.

It’s in Mexico. The genius of that is Americans picture beaches, tequila shots and Sammy Hagar. So when you tell them there’s an “Island of the Dolls” they totally have to see. Frat boys and girls gone wild then hustle to see blow-up sex toys and American Girls, only to stand in sobering horror at what they actually find.

There are no tangerine trees or marmalade skies. “La Isla de la Munecas” is actually closer to a graveyard inspired by Gaspar Noé. Don Julian Santana and his family hermitized (hermi-tated?) themselves there mid-20th century after renouncing society. Don Julian then spent the next 50 years of his life mutilating and hanging children’s dolls.

Located on a small island in the canals of Xochimilco. This area is all that remains of what was once a giant lake (Texcoco) where Mexico City is today.

This is where child molesters go when they die; they come back as the destroyed playthings of the people they once wronged. Sort of an ironic Greek idea of Hell where the punishment fits the crime. Not just fire for everyone. (Oooooo. An insight into my personality…)

But I digress.

Speculation suggests these dolls were offerings of sorts to the spirit of a girl who allegedly drowned in the canal surrounding the place. Don Julian claimed to be tormented by this girl’s ghost. I’m sure she would’ve loved the dolls.

In double secret irony, Don Julian was found dead one day, drowned in the very same canal, in one final act of thanatopsis. The shrine lives on and remains an unusually popular tourist attraction, as far as dead baby sites go, especially among the early to middle-aged.

So, go. Visit. And take lots of pictures for Facebook. It’s the only shrine to you that will automatically live on after your death.

Bye. Thanks for...stopping by...

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The Two-Legged Pig and the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

by James on Oct.01, 2010, under colossal waste of time, kids today, you can't turn away

Pork is really every carnivore’s favorite food lately. There’s bacon in/on everything, and it quite consistently makes everything more delicious. But what can you use it for outside of food? Think outside the skillet.

Two-Legged Pig

Not as inspiring as Faith the two-legged dog.

Now, everybody’s seen the dog with two legs who was on Oprah and wears a backpack. Yawn. And it’s name is Faith, for god’s sake. That’s like a grief councilor named Joy. Or a urologist named Wankem. …Um, anyway.

Zhu Jianqiang, which translates as “strong-willed pig”, was born without her hind legs, but managed to survive, and is now a local celebrity. I’m guessing that rural-born Chinese pigs are rarely given names as they’re quickly slaughtered and eaten. However, Wang Xihai, Zhu’s owner, probably decided to keep her as-is to try and make some money like the owners of Mike the headless chicken. I’m hoping it was just out of the kindness of his heart, though. He did actually teach her the front-leg-walk himself, and it took a month before she could do it. And now she weighs 50kg (110lbs) but can still do it effortlessly. Wang Xihai says he believes all life should be given a chance. I still sorta think he saw a runty, unbreedable pig and tried to come up with another use for it. Pigs are pretty smart, though. It was all, “well, it’s either learn to walk on my front legs, or learn to be bacon.”

He also says his house is filled with tourists everyday. And, he CLAIMS he’d never sell her, no matter the price. Look at that picture, though. Maybe a pair of pants and some chapstick. Just sayin’.

Bacon Bust of Kevin Bacon

An inevitable and inedible Kevin Bacon made from real bacon.

Now, I decided to post this next item along with the pig above, just so you’d have an idea of what you can do with a physically disabled pig once it’s dead. An epic Kevin Bacon bust made of real bacon.

There’s currently a REALLY REAL EBAY AUCTION, here, where you can buy the giant bacon sculpture and have the profits donated to a cancer charity. REALLY!

But, you can’t eat it! WTF! It’s covered in lacquer, I guess so the museum, and your house, don’t become the world’s largest ant and fly habitat. And, I think it only looks like Kevin Bacon if he were the model for a statue on Easter Island. Otherwise, it’s just an 18 inch waste of hundreds of pounds of skillet-fried goodness. If I can’t sop up the grease with my toast, there’s no point.

It was only a matter of time, really. Kevin Bacon made of bacon? Everyone loves bacon right now, like I just said, so why not a delicious pun.

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Hottest Curry Ever, Apparently

by James on Sep.22, 2010, under colossal waste of time, kids today, you can't turn away

the garnish is funny to me.

The Brick Lane Curry House in New York City claims to have the hottest curry on the planet, and they dare people to eat it. The puns have already started to wear thin, and none of them has been written yet.

They call it, the Phaal Curry Challenge. The chef, wearing a gas mask for realz, not for show, cooks curry with ten different devastating spices, one of which claims to be 60 times hotter than a jalapeño pepper. It’s served to willing customers, who are urged to try it first, with two giant glasses of milk and two huge mango lassis–a hot curry’s known arch nemeses. It’s 16oz of incendiary . . . nevermind.

Only about 10% of the people who try it are able to eat the whole thing. But, if you’re one of the lucky ones, you get a free beer (yay…), your picture on the website, and a certificate saying you survived the Phaal Curry Challenge. If that’s not incentive enough, I don’t know what is. At least you’re in the P’hall of Fame. Hey-O! (okay, so I couldn’t resist).

The restaurant owner claims one customer’s nose actually started bleeding during their attempt. And they probably drove home farting blood.

Hurray for meals that cause injury!

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Grouchy old lady gets only 1 horn?

by James on Mar.09, 2010, under you can't turn away

I bet you’re like, “Psht. That’s totally ‘shopped.” Well, psht again, my friends. This is a 100-year-old Chinese lady who grew a horn.

Yep.

Zhang Ruifang, a 100-year old woman, from China’s Henan Province, has a strange horn coming out of the left side of her forehead. The 1-century-old woman says her bizarre horn started growing last year, and now measures between 5 and 6 cm in length. Although the horn causes her no pain, I can only imagine how unhappy this poor woman is with her situation.

Now, I’m not all, “Hey, let’s make fun of people with strange conditions,” all the time. How could I be? But a horn? Seriously. Think about it; lots of weirder conditions are more common:

A tail.

Extra fingers.

Super-numerary teeth (look it up)

Extra fingers, or polydactyly in the medical community, occur once in every 1000 births. Not that uncommon. But one horn? I mean, come on.

This lady sorta reminds me of Jason Lee’s character in Dogma, except his horns were CGI first, make-up second. And this lady’s horns are real.

At any rate, it’s usually Chinese women who hold the record for just being the oldest people on earth. But this lady is probably holding two records. And good for her.

Sweep on, horny sista!

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Start next nightmare in 3, 2…

by James on Mar.05, 2010, under kids today, you can't turn away

It’s hard to believe that pageants like these still exist, but apparently they do. And, coincidentally, I’ve long held a theory that any horror movie can be made twice as scary simply by adding a young child to the cast, or even just to the preview.

Get this girl’s headshots ready. There’s a summer thriller with her name on it.

Now, again, I don’t speak Portuguese at all, but here’s what I imagine the judge is saying just before this tiny monster begins to perform her Lady Gaga abomination: “Are you ready to devour the souls of the wicked? Yeah? What’s your costume made of? The bones of fornicators? The sinew of thieves? Great! My chair’s made of human skeletons. Well, break a leg!”

Then she does in sort of a Milton’s Paradise Lost kind of way.

Childrens’ pageants always make me think of that Mr. Show sketch about the pre-natal pageant; where they refer to the four-year-old as the “old baby,” and they talk to the in utero cosmetologist who gives the fetus makeup and plastic surgery. Classic.

This happens to be real, though. Start the apocalypse. We should all be ready by now.

Damn.


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