In honor of the World Cup

Chinese Woman Trains Chickens to Play Soccer

Studies show soccer roosters are almost three times as delicious

If you’re like me, the first thing you thought of when you read the headline was, “Bullshit.” And if you’re even more like me than you realized, the second thing you thought was, “Why do the Chinese always do the weirdest shit?” Both of those points are valid issues to take with the headline itself.

With these roosters, maybe China will qualify higher next time. (Hey-oh!)

But seriously, since I know you won’t read the article, this poultry match consists of only two players who use their feet and wings to handle the ball. Which sounds like bending the rules a little to me, but you’re already reading about roosters who play soccer, so…

The article also keeps referring to this person as “he,” even though she’s clearly a woman wearing Chinese mom jeans. (The headline also says “rosters,” so what are you gonna do.)

In other news, this reminded me of a story I had heard as a child, which I originally dismissed as an old wives’ tale (designed, I guess, to exacerbate my “Sleep Anxiety Disorder”). But I looked it up and it’s actually true. The Internet never lies.

There was a farmer who cut his chicken’s head off in preparation for eating, only to find the chicken still lived. And since I know you won’t click that link either, The chicken retained its jugular vein and most of its brain stem, leaving it capable of doing instinctual things like breathe, eat, and occasionally preen and (attempt to) crow. Since the trachea and esophagus were basically exposed to the air, the owners kept Mike’s windpipe clean with an eyedropper and fed him with a syringe straight into his gullet. The farmer traveled the country for a while making something like $50,000 in today’s money. “Mike the Headless Chicken” died one night when his owners were unable to clean his clogged trachea in time, leaving the bird to choke to death.

Mike, the 1945 money-making headless chicken, who probably caused dozens of copycat botched beheadings

So, in conclusion, chickens are either 1.) highly adaptable in that they can be trained in sports professionals do for millions of dollars a year, and even live on for several years with most of their heads missing, or 2.) they’re among the lowest on the brain activity scale and are able to do almost nothing for themselves, needing only the barest essentials of organs to do even complicated instinctual activities.

“Mike the Headless Chicken” also reminded me of the novel Johnny Got His Gun where the soldier slowly realizes his face, limbs, sight, speech, and hearing are all gone and he’s just “a piece of meat that keeps on living.” And as if that idea couldn’t get any more disturbing, the novel was made into a movie with Donald Sutherland, and also inspired the Metallica song “One;” a band so metal, they even have the word “metal” in their name.

So, what happens in the mind of a soccer playing rooster? Or in the medulla oblongata of a headless chicken? Could Mike have played soccer? Could the roosters have continued to play after losing their heads? Do they get angry with themselves when they lose? Do they fake injuries for superfluous indirect kicks like those pussy-ass Italians? Just because we CAN make a movie about something as disturbing as being locked inside your own brain, does that mean we should? Would Mike want his story told? Or would he just want to be glazed and rotisseried like any other self-respecting chicken.

Think about that the next time you get $0.10 hotwings, Monday nights at The Wild Goose on Lincoln Ave.

More Pictures

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posted by James on Jul.08, 2010, under actual celebrity, colossal waste of time, who cares


Watch live hummingbirds drink from your face

Yep. It’s real.

The inventor is a man from California’s Humboldt County. You sit outside with this on your head, and hummingbirds drink from the tube coming out from between your eyes. It costs $80 and you can get it from heatstick.com, the most professionally designed website ever. Here’re some tips on how to get birds to eat off your face:

Using and enjoying the feeder is a two step process.
The first is to acquaint the hummingbirds with the
feeder. We set an old can of paint on a small shelf
on the side of the barn and slipped the feeder onto
the can. It wasn’t long before the hummingbirds found
it, and after a little searching, found the feeding
station. Then we let them get familiar with the
feeder for a few days. Finally we set a chair next
to the shelf, removed the feeder from the can,
slipped it on and waited. One never forgets the first
time a hummingbird suddenly arrives at the feeder
right in front of your eyes.

Awesome. I actually invented something like this. It’s the wild lion feeder mask, and it’s a steak with two eye-holes poked into it. You lay out in the sand in Kenya’s Tsavo National Park with this on your face, and usually in less than an hour, Kenya’s mane-less male lion (the one featured in the movie “The Ghost in the Darkness”) will find you and eat right from your face. Results vary, however, as sometimes they devour the person wearing the mask also. But, you get to experience this right up close like you never would otherwise!

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posted by James on Apr.14, 2010, under actual gadget


I ❤ Asian Television

If you wait until this kid gets to the singing part, around 1:00, and stick with him until he really gets into it, 2:00, you’ll feel just like you were back in the 9th grade making out with Bethany Wilson in the dark at Judy Haynes’ birthday party.

I wish there was some sort of blind listening contest you could do with this clip. Let someone tell you it’s Whitney Houston’s daughter singing, or something. You would totally believe it until you saw the Thai Jackie Gleason in the tuxedo.

Also note: he clearly says “Whitney Houston, ‘I will always love you,’” which we all know is true, but the title card says “Dolly Parton.” We all look alike to them, too. I knew it. They can’t even tell black folk from white folk.

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posted by James on Apr.07, 2010, under kids today, who cares


Six Seasons and they’re all still LOST?

I’m sure I’ll eventually hear about what happened at the end of LOST, since LOST fans NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT LOST. But come on: sometimes the show is funny. And you know it.

This is a Sawyer “Son of a bitch” montage. I don’t know if these clips are in chronological order, but I don’t care THAT much. I just hope he keeps saying it for the rest of the series. It makes him look tough.

Like a cowboy.

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posted by James on Apr.02, 2010, under colossal waste of time, kids today, who cares


Shutting down the shut down

click for full size

this was actually my idea

Windows 7 Shut Down program failing to shut down is like the Asmovian robot who refuses to take himself apart lest he violate two of the three rules of robotics. Asimov? Anyone?

Read a book. And don’t buy Windows anymore.

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posted by James on Apr.02, 2010, under rando calrissian


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