Tag: America

The Two-Legged Pig and the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

by James on Oct.01, 2010, under colossal waste of time, kids today, you can't turn away

Pork is really every carnivore’s favorite food lately. There’s bacon in/on everything, and it quite consistently makes everything more delicious. But what can you use it for outside of food? Think outside the skillet.

Two-Legged Pig

Not as inspiring as Faith the two-legged dog.

Now, everybody’s seen the dog with two legs who was on Oprah and wears a backpack. Yawn. And it’s name is Faith, for god’s sake. That’s like a grief councilor named Joy. Or a urologist named Wankem. …Um, anyway.

Zhu Jianqiang, which translates as “strong-willed pig”, was born without her hind legs, but managed to survive, and is now a local celebrity. I’m guessing that rural-born Chinese pigs are rarely given names as they’re quickly slaughtered and eaten. However, Wang Xihai, Zhu’s owner, probably decided to keep her as-is to try and make some money like the owners of Mike the headless chicken. I’m hoping it was just out of the kindness of his heart, though. He did actually teach her the front-leg-walk himself, and it took a month before she could do it. And now she weighs 50kg (110lbs) but can still do it effortlessly. Wang Xihai says he believes all life should be given a chance. I still sorta think he saw a runty, unbreedable pig and tried to come up with another use for it. Pigs are pretty smart, though. It was all, “well, it’s either learn to walk on my front legs, or learn to be bacon.”

He also says his house is filled with tourists everyday. And, he CLAIMS he’d never sell her, no matter the price. Look at that picture, though. Maybe a pair of pants and some chapstick. Just sayin’.

Bacon Bust of Kevin Bacon

An inevitable and inedible Kevin Bacon made from real bacon.

Now, I decided to post this next item along with the pig above, just so you’d have an idea of what you can do with a physically disabled pig once it’s dead. An epic Kevin Bacon bust made of real bacon.

There’s currently a REALLY REAL EBAY AUCTION, here, where you can buy the giant bacon sculpture and have the profits donated to a cancer charity. REALLY!

But, you can’t eat it! WTF! It’s covered in lacquer, I guess so the museum, and your house, don’t become the world’s largest ant and fly habitat. And, I think it only looks like Kevin Bacon if he were the model for a statue on Easter Island. Otherwise, it’s just an 18 inch waste of hundreds of pounds of skillet-fried goodness. If I can’t sop up the grease with my toast, there’s no point.

It was only a matter of time, really. Kevin Bacon made of bacon? Everyone loves bacon right now, like I just said, so why not a delicious pun.

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Hottest Curry Ever, Apparently

by James on Sep.22, 2010, under colossal waste of time, kids today, you can't turn away

the garnish is funny to me.

The Brick Lane Curry House in New York City claims to have the hottest curry on the planet, and they dare people to eat it. The puns have already started to wear thin, and none of them has been written yet.

They call it, the Phaal Curry Challenge. The chef, wearing a gas mask for realz, not for show, cooks curry with ten different devastating spices, one of which claims to be 60 times hotter than a jalapeño pepper. It’s served to willing customers, who are urged to try it first, with two giant glasses of milk and two huge mango lassis–a hot curry’s known arch nemeses. It’s 16oz of incendiary . . . nevermind.

Only about 10% of the people who try it are able to eat the whole thing. But, if you’re one of the lucky ones, you get a free beer (yay…), your picture on the website, and a certificate saying you survived the Phaal Curry Challenge. If that’s not incentive enough, I don’t know what is. At least you’re in the P’hall of Fame. Hey-O! (okay, so I couldn’t resist).

The restaurant owner claims one customer’s nose actually started bleeding during their attempt. And they probably drove home farting blood.

Hurray for meals that cause injury!

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Watch live hummingbirds drink from your face

by James on Apr.14, 2010, under actual gadget

Yep. It’s real.

The inventor is a man from California’s Humboldt County. You sit outside with this on your head, and hummingbirds drink from the tube coming out from between your eyes. It costs $80 and you can get it from heatstick.com, the most professionally designed website ever. Here’re some tips on how to get birds to eat off your face:

Using and enjoying the feeder is a two step process.
The first is to acquaint the hummingbirds with the
feeder. We set an old can of paint on a small shelf
on the side of the barn and slipped the feeder onto
the can. It wasn’t long before the hummingbirds found
it, and after a little searching, found the feeding
station. Then we let them get familiar with the
feeder for a few days. Finally we set a chair next
to the shelf, removed the feeder from the can,
slipped it on and waited. One never forgets the first
time a hummingbird suddenly arrives at the feeder
right in front of your eyes.

Awesome. I actually invented something like this. It’s the wild lion feeder mask, and it’s a steak with two eye-holes poked into it. You lay out in the sand in Kenya’s Tsavo National Park with this on your face, and usually in less than an hour, Kenya’s mane-less male lion (the one featured in the movie “The Ghost in the Darkness”) will find you and eat right from your face. Results vary, however, as sometimes they devour the person wearing the mask also. But, you get to experience this right up close like you never would otherwise!

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Six Seasons and they’re all still LOST?

by James on Apr.02, 2010, under colossal waste of time, kids today, who cares

I’m sure I’ll eventually hear about what happened at the end of LOST, since LOST fans NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT LOST. But come on: sometimes the show is funny. And you know it.

This is a Sawyer “Son of a bitch” montage. I don’t know if these clips are in chronological order, but I don’t care THAT much. I just hope he keeps saying it for the rest of the series. It makes him look tough.

Like a cowboy.

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American Porisu Ruv Eat Rong Time. They so Fat!

by James on Mar.22, 2010, under kids today

click for full size

Several things to note about this picture. 1.) The Japanese in red under the title is simply the title spelled phonetically: “A-me-ri-ka-n Po-ri-su.” 2.) The setting seems to be a fast food joint, yet many actual fast food restaurants are represented. Look closely: there’s mostly McDonald’s, but also Carl’s Jr. an A&W Root Beer, and a freaking taco for Shinto’s sake. 3.) What cop puts their nightstick ON the pile of french fries while they eat? And finally: 4.) How could this be a serial magazine? “Ret’s have article and article every month-u about fat and stupid Amerikan porisu. They so fat!” It can’t be done.

And, why am I writing so racistly? Simply because the magazine is obviously racist. I’ll be in Tokyo next month. If you’re there and you have a complaint, find me and I’ll straighten you out.

With my fists, in case that wasn’t clear.

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