Tag: injury

Hottest Curry Ever, Apparently

by James on Sep.22, 2010, under colossal waste of time, kids today, you can't turn away

the garnish is funny to me.

The Brick Lane Curry House in New York City claims to have the hottest curry on the planet, and they dare people to eat it. The puns have already started to wear thin, and none of them has been written yet.

They call it, the Phaal Curry Challenge. The chef, wearing a gas mask for realz, not for show, cooks curry with ten different devastating spices, one of which claims to be 60 times hotter than a jalape├▒o pepper. It’s served to willing customers, who are urged to try it first, with two giant glasses of milk and two huge mango lassis–a hot curry’s known arch nemeses. It’s 16oz of incendiary . . . nevermind.

Only about 10% of the people who try it are able to eat the whole thing. But, if you’re one of the lucky ones, you get a free beer (yay…), your picture on the website, and a certificate saying you survived the Phaal Curry Challenge. If that’s not incentive enough, I don’t know what is. At least you’re in the P’hall of Fame. Hey-O! (okay, so I couldn’t resist).

The restaurant owner claims one customer’s nose actually started bleeding during their attempt. And they probably drove home farting blood.

Hurray for meals that cause injury!

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In honor of the World Cup

by James on Jul.08, 2010, under actual celebrity, colossal waste of time, who cares

Chinese Woman Trains Chickens to Play Soccer

Studies show soccer roosters are almost three times as delicious

If you’re like me, the first thing you thought of when you read the headline was, “Bullshit.” And if you’re even more like me than you realized, the second thing you thought was, “Why do the Chinese always do the weirdest shit?” Both of those points are valid issues to take with the headline itself.

With these roosters, maybe China will qualify higher next time. (Hey-oh!)

But seriously, since I know you won’t read the article, this poultry match consists of only two players who use their feet and wings to handle the ball. Which sounds like bending the rules a little to me, but you’re already reading about roosters who play soccer, so…

The article also keeps referring to this person as “he,” even though she’s clearly a woman wearing Chinese mom jeans. (The headline also says “rosters,” so what are you gonna do.)

In other news, this reminded me of a story I had heard as a child, which I originally dismissed as an old wives’ tale (designed, I guess, to exacerbate my “Sleep Anxiety Disorder”). But I looked it up and it’s actually true. The Internet never lies.

There was a farmer who cut his chicken’s head off in preparation for eating, only to find the chicken still lived. And since I know you won’t click that link either, The chicken retained its jugular vein and most of its brain stem, leaving it capable of doing instinctual things like breathe, eat, and occasionally preen and (attempt to) crow. Since the trachea and esophagus were basically exposed to the air, the owners kept Mike’s windpipe clean with an eyedropper and fed him with a syringe straight into his gullet. The farmer traveled the country for a while making something like $50,000 in today’s money. “Mike the Headless Chicken” died one night when his owners were unable to clean his clogged trachea in time, leaving the bird to choke to death.

Mike, the 1945 money-making headless chicken, who probably caused dozens of copycat botched beheadings

So, in conclusion, chickens are either 1.) highly adaptable in that they can be trained in sports professionals do for millions of dollars a year, and even live on for several years with most of their heads missing, or 2.) they’re among the lowest on the brain activity scale and are able to do almost nothing for themselves, needing only the barest essentials of organs to do even complicated instinctual activities.

“Mike the Headless Chicken” also reminded me of the novel Johnny Got His Gun where the soldier slowly realizes his face, limbs, sight, speech, and hearing are all gone and he’s just “a piece of meat that keeps on living.” And as if that idea couldn’t get any more disturbing, the novel was made into a movie with Donald Sutherland, and also inspired the Metallica song “One;” a band so metal, they even have the word “metal” in their name.

So, what happens in the mind of a soccer playing rooster? Or in the medulla oblongata of a headless chicken? Could Mike have played soccer? Could the roosters have continued to play after losing their heads? Do they get angry with themselves when they lose? Do they fake injuries for superfluous indirect kicks like those pussy-ass Italians? Just because we CAN make a movie about something as disturbing as being locked inside your own brain, does that mean we should? Would Mike want his story told? Or would he just want to be glazed and rotisseried like any other self-respecting chicken.

Think about that the next time you get $0.10 hotwings, Monday nights at The Wild Goose on Lincoln Ave.

More Pictures

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My 10 Favorite Faceplants

by James on Jan.30, 2010, under kids today, you can't turn away

I’m a big fan of people hurting themselves. Especially stupid people. And the best way for a stupid person to hurt themselves is to faceplant. It’s almost like proof of Darwinian evolution. Dumbasses simply hurt (and kill) themselves more often than smart people.

sack race face plant

I’ve compiled a collection of videos that should bring a smile to the lips of anyone in favor of thinning the herd.

Enjoy.

10. The Stunt Faceplant

Excluding skateboards, this faceplant counts whenever anyone is on bicycles, skis, snowboards, rollerblades–anything man wasn’t meant to call a ‘vehicle.’ (Skateboards are different.) AND, building your own ramp out of mud isn’t necessarily a bad idea, but maybe build it closer to the lake.

9. The Martial Arts Expert Faceplant

Almost like the weightlifting faceplant, the martial arts faceplant always makes one wonder, “why were you filming yourself?”

8. The Drunken Faceplant

Look out for the dog!…Look out for the Coronado Stone!…Look out for the disk golf net!…Oh, and if you’re gonna drink, maybe don’t ride your bike.

7. The Party Trickster Faceplant

This actually combines two of my favorite faceplant genres: trampolines and the party trickster. Ever been at a party and had someone call for quiet while they performed a trick that turned into an injury (or at the very least turned out to not be as cool as all the hype suggested)? I have. But it’s never turned into a faceplant. That usually happens on the trampoline all by itself.

6. The Trampoline Faceplant

Not exactly a faceplant, but just close enough. Some people only have the discipline to practice things that will never get them anywhere in real life.

5. The Pool Faceplant

If only there were more drowning deaths from faceplants…caught on film. (He actually didn’t die, but keep giving your teens camcorders.)

4. The Fat-plant

Like the little Asian man in “The Hangover” says, some things are just funnier when people are fat.

3. The Baby Faceplant

Nothing’s cuter than underdeveloped motor skills. Until somebody faceplants.

2. The Skateboard Faceplant

Whenever I see kids skateboarding, I try to see if they’re filming themselves. Because if they are, someone is definitely going to faceplant. What did this kid think was supposed to happen? And does he have a rubber spine?

1. The Karmic Faceplant

Although rarely seen in the wild, this beautiful creature will sometimes appear when one least expects it, but at exactly the right time.

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