Tag: wtf

An afternoon with Tommy

by James on May.25, 2011, under colossal waste of time, kids today

Yes, his leg is missing.

Among the things I do with my dog besides taking him to the beach, loving on him and irritating him in equal amounts, and posing him for a picture with a knife in his mouth, is recording his barking and howling.

So.

I downloaded a program called PaulStretch that can take audio and stretch or shorten it without losing sound quality, among other things. Then, I recorded Tommy barking and howling, and manipulated what I got.

Enjoy.

This is a normal bark:

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This is the same bark at 20x the length:

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Here’s a longer bark at normal speed:

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Here’s the same bark, but 50x its normal speed; almost a minute long (and force yourself to listen to the whole thing, because it is creeeeeepy):

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Okay, this one’s a howl (how I got him to do that is my secret):

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The same howl at 5x (it’s like a horror movie sound effect):

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And my personal favorites, these are the same howls at regular speed,

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then at 25x PLUS! I autotuned it to sound like several dogs at once (you might pay money to listen to that during a shiatsu massage):

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The Two-Legged Pig and the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

by James on Oct.01, 2010, under colossal waste of time, kids today, you can't turn away

Pork is really every carnivore’s favorite food lately. There’s bacon in/on everything, and it quite consistently makes everything more delicious. But what can you use it for outside of food? Think outside the skillet.

Two-Legged Pig

Not as inspiring as Faith the two-legged dog.

Now, everybody’s seen the dog with two legs who was on Oprah and wears a backpack. Yawn. And it’s name is Faith, for god’s sake. That’s like a grief councilor named Joy. Or a urologist named Wankem. …Um, anyway.

Zhu Jianqiang, which translates as “strong-willed pig”, was born without her hind legs, but managed to survive, and is now a local celebrity. I’m guessing that rural-born Chinese pigs are rarely given names as they’re quickly slaughtered and eaten. However, Wang Xihai, Zhu’s owner, probably decided to keep her as-is to try and make some money like the owners of Mike the headless chicken. I’m hoping it was just out of the kindness of his heart, though. He did actually teach her the front-leg-walk himself, and it took a month before she could do it. And now she weighs 50kg (110lbs) but can still do it effortlessly. Wang Xihai says he believes all life should be given a chance. I still sorta think he saw a runty, unbreedable pig and tried to come up with another use for it. Pigs are pretty smart, though. It was all, “well, it’s either learn to walk on my front legs, or learn to be bacon.”

He also says his house is filled with tourists everyday. And, he CLAIMS he’d never sell her, no matter the price. Look at that picture, though. Maybe a pair of pants and some chapstick. Just sayin’.

Bacon Bust of Kevin Bacon

An inevitable and inedible Kevin Bacon made from real bacon.

Now, I decided to post this next item along with the pig above, just so you’d have an idea of what you can do with a physically disabled pig once it’s dead. An epic Kevin Bacon bust made of real bacon.

There’s currently a REALLY REAL EBAY AUCTION, here, where you can buy the giant bacon sculpture and have the profits donated to a cancer charity. REALLY!

But, you can’t eat it! WTF! It’s covered in lacquer, I guess so the museum, and your house, don’t become the world’s largest ant and fly habitat. And, I think it only looks like Kevin Bacon if he were the model for a statue on Easter Island. Otherwise, it’s just an 18 inch waste of hundreds of pounds of skillet-fried goodness. If I can’t sop up the grease with my toast, there’s no point.

It was only a matter of time, really. Kevin Bacon made of bacon? Everyone loves bacon right now, like I just said, so why not a delicious pun.

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